Dressing for Your Envirnonment and Fuzzy Purple Socks

I believe in dressing for your environment.  For instance, if you are going to a black tie event - you wear a tux or gown; or if going to a barn raising - you wear jeans and boots.  Today was no different so I dressed for my environment.  Blue crocs paired with a fuzzy purple socks, blue jeans, slightly dingy white shirt with a black sweater.  Hair pulled back in a bun, no makeup, and used my sleeve to brush my teeth right before I went in (oh, don't hate - you know you have down it before).  Grabbed my cart, wiped down the handle for germs (didn't want to fit in that much) and ventured in.  You probably have guessed by now where I went, but for those of you still struggling - I went to Wal-Mart. 


And all along I am hoping that I don't see anyone that I know and it NEVER, EVER fails - within three minutes I see a friend - Christi Callan Adams - who compared to me was dressed for tea.  Of course I can not dodge her - she is pushing her cart in my direction as a tractor-beam locked in on a target.  And there in the main aisle next to the cold medicine - we catch up.  While I'm talking to Christi,  I do a shout out to a guy in Jayhawk shirt - told him, "Hey Kansas, I like your shirt."  He smiled and then I came in for the punch, "Not really - I root for KANSAS STATE and don't forget red and blue always makes PURPLE!!"  And then I started showing everyone my fuzzy purple socks!!!   Yup it happened; ask Christi.  I have missed her laugh and I told her that we need to get the "old BBW" group back together at least for lunch or dinner - we would have a hoot laughing.....we were a fun bunch!!!


So Christi goes to check-out and I go about shopping. Didn't see anyone else that I knew.  Christi has now witnessed "Donna's Dressing For Your Environment" as for the rest of my friends  - if you hang out with me - you have been warned.  However, in an effort to be transparent, most people refer to my "Dressing For Your Environment" as Saturday and Sunday.


~page 10 of 365

Bumper Stickers and a Window Decal

Most bumper stickers are easy to understand; you can figure out:

• your political affiliation;
• your religious affiliation;
• your kid's on the honor roll;
• you want world peace;
• you love dogs, cats, chives and;
• how only tough girls drive trucks

And then there are those weird ones that you can not figure out what the heck they mean like:

• Smell my beard
• I poke badgers with spoons
• Never pet a burning armadillo
• Sometimes I set in the fridge and pretend to be milk
• Toenails are for sissies
• Egyptian mummies love Beethoven

I have only ever had one bumper sticker on my car, plenty of window stickers, but only one bumper sticker and I am convinced it caused me to get a ticket.  I had a "Don't Mess with Texas" bumper sticker - which is a litter campaign slogan - and I had gone home to Kansas for a wedding.  The next think I know I come out of the ceremony and I have a ticket on my windshield.  I got a ticket for an expired inspection sticker....in Kansas while I was at a wedding - in the church parking lot.  That was just a honked-off cop who thought he was Eliot Ness and I have never had a bumper sticker since. 
But I am thinking about getting a window decal that says, "I wear tube tops"....classy right?!?!


~page 9 of 365

Diaphragm, Marie Curie, and the Baby Voice

Let me tell you something that I can not stand (yes, I am aware that there is more than A thing that I dislike) - young women and grown-ass-women who talk in the ever so popular "baby-voice".   Back when I as growing up, there might have been a girl or two that talked in a baby voice, but is seems to me that those numbers have grown exponentially.....and it grates on my last nerve.  I want just want to yell at them, "The good Lord gave you a diaphragm for a reason - use it!!"  They talk from their throat and squeak out a conversation that would irritate a two-year old.  You know the ones I am talking about, because they also usually tilt their head at the same time.  Why on God's green earth has this become popular???  Once you hit puberty, this should eliminate itself, but it hasn't.  Ladies, who in the world keeps telling you that this is cute??  IT'S NOT!!! (yup-three exclamation points) - you look and sound STUPID!


Some of my daughter's acquaintances talk this way and I give them a bit of a pass - they are in high school and everything in high school is weird.  Her friends don't talk in baby voice and she thinks it's disgusting (that's my girl)!!  I am guessing college girls talk this way to get free drinks or to get their grades changed because I can't think of any other reason for it.  And as for grown-ass women, I have absolutely no idea why, did I mention that you look and sound stupid?!? Even if you spouted out the details of quantum physics - you would sound ignorant.  Do you think anyone would have given two shits or listened to Marie Curie, Queen Victoria, Indira Gandhi, or Cleopatra if they have talked in a baby voice?  Well, maybe Cleopatra, but you get my point.


We are taught to breath from our diaphragm, to sing from our diaphragm so why not talk from your diaphragm??   Here is my two-cents.  To you ladies who insist on using this "voice", the dudes that are tolerating your voice are only doing so because they are either are trying to get into your pants or are slightly deaf.  So in my best baby voice, "I hope for your sake he never gets hearing aids because you have already annoyed the hell out of the rest of us who can hear you." 


P.S. - I tilted my head when I said that!


~page 8 of 365

A Veruca Salt BOP with a twist of PITA

Recently I have noticed that consumers generally fall into three categories:

• BOP's - Bitter Old People
• Veruca's - the "Daddy, I want it NOW!!!!"
• PITA's - Pain in the Ass

Quite frankly, I am getting tired of all three of them.  The BOP'S hate everything that is modern and different.  They say phrases such as:

• "I wish we could go back to the old ways when everything was done on paper."
• "I'm 54 and I am not computer saavvyy." The emphasis is on "savvy" like the computer is a fad and it will go away at some point and people will go back to pushing paper.
• The BOP's also don't like if they can not understand you and heaven forbid you have an accent because they will ask you, "Are you from America?"

The Veruca's don't give a damn what it takes to complete a process or that there might be legal requirements - they just want it NOW....just like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka.  They say phrases such as:

• "Can you just do screenshot of that and text it to me?"
• The Veruca's also talk so dang fast that you can barely understand a word they say.
• "You don't understand, I needed this 15 days ago, but I didn't anticipate that I would HAVE to send a request in writing......what year is this."

And last but not least are good old fashion PITA's...we all know one and nothing is ever right:

• "Why does this ALWAYS happen to me - it never happens to anyone else."
• "They NEVER get my order right."
• PITA's never take responsibility for their actions - it is always someone else's fault.

PITA's have been around for ages and either good or bad-they will remain.  It's as if we have come to expect the PITA and have grown to love the PITA.  The BOP's and Veruca's; on the other hand, are a fairly new phenomenon and I wish they would just go away.  Quite frankly, they are each others pain in the ass - opposite ends of the spectrum and probably get along as well as a cat and mouse.
 
If I thought about and if I was honest, I probably have at one time or another been my own my own worst nightmare - A Veruca Salt BOP with a twist of PITA!!!







~page 7 of 365

Polar Express, Polar Vortex, and Menopause

Polar vortex - I've had heard this phrase a lot over the past 48 hours and I have to be honest - I have never heard the words used in the same phrase until a couple of days a ago. I have read The Polar Express and have seen the movie.  The Vortex is prominent in the Doctor Who series (of which I am a huge fan) and of course; we learned about vortex in seventh or eight grade science class. 


The term "polar vortex" has me scratching my head.  When I was growing up it was called.....wait for it......WINTER.  I know you have heard of it.  Think about...yes you have..... it is where the days are shorter, the wind and outside temperature is colder, and the storms come from the North. And even more strange, there is a time when the days are longer, the wind and outside temperature is hotter - in the old days, we called it Summer. But this year, we will probably resort to calling it the Solar Vortex...oh doesn't it just sound better and not so hot?!?!?! Spring and Autumn round out the seasons categories - I think they are still safe to be known as Spring and Autumn. But one bad Spring could change all of that.  Now depending on where you live, you might not really experience Spring and Autumn.  Here in Texas, we have two seasons - Hot (Solar Vortex) and Hotter (Super Solar Vortex).  Just for the record,  I am a true four season's girl and I miss a proper Autumn day. 


If you listen to all the media hype, this "polar vortex" is a direct result of global warming.  Hhmmm, I'm not sure it's global warming when I read that the average temperature in the U.S., today, was 18.5 degrees.  What???  Holy hell, 18.5 degree is just too damn hot for me....let me take some of clothes off cuz' I'm breaking out in a sweat...just between you and me - it might really be menopause, but today I place the blame straight on global warming and the damn polar vortex!!! 


~page 6 of 365

Killer B's, BooHoo Boulevard, and the Bachelor

So I just watched the preview of the new season of The Bachelor.......all board the crazy train - first stop is the crossroads of the killer B's (boobs, butts and belly) and Boohoo Boulevard.!!!  In all honesty I used to watch this from season begin to season end, but when Gray was five or six - I had to stop because she would cry every episode because ALL the girls did not get roses.  Well that phase has passed and she is very excited to watch as Juan Pablo is sexy!  I wasn't sure if I should agree or disagree with her as I am not sure I want to hear her say that someone is sexy.  So out of respect and admiration for the human form - I did agree with her. Oh bother...I know that I will be sucked into the Bachelor every Monday night.  Every Monday night of "I do love him so."...this after the first Monday night.  Then will come the crazy cat fights, the "I will be a better mother to his child." followed by the  "She is crazier than I am - why did he give her a rose."

I hope this will be mother/daughter bonding time - every Monday night - and I also hope that she will see that you don't find love on a television show, how not to act like a fool over a boy, and if she ever needs a rose; she can just ask her daddy.

~page 5 of 365

Menehune, Brownies, Gnomes, and Elves

Are you a believer?  I can go either way - I like to keep my options open.  I was watching a program on History 2 channel about the Menehune (little people of Hawaii - not those little people) - the hobbit-type people that supposedly lived on the islands prior to the Hawaiians.  I have been to the islands plenty of times and I have never heard of the Menehune, but then again I'm not sure if this is a conversation a Hawaiian would have with a Haole (Hawaiian for white people).

During the commercials, I check on the Internet to see what other cultures have Menehune-type legends - a word - tons:

• Native Americans - Pukwudgie
• Irish - Leprechaun
• German - Elves and Gnomes
• Norwegian - Pixies
• Scandinavians - Trolls
• Scottish - Brownies

The show about the Menehune ends up being really interesting; however, he did not debunk the myth of the Menehune as I think he might have hoped.  He did conclude that later Hawaiians may have referred to a lower class person as Menehune vs. the Menehune being mythical little people.

I will tell you that you never, ever, ever mess with Pele, Goddess of the Volcano - she is real.  On my first trip to the islands, I took a piece of lava back our condo as I was going to take it home as a souvenir; even though I had been told "Don't mess with Pele".  The next day while snorkeling, I got pummeled into the rocks and came out of the ocean with a pretty good gash across my knee.  I limped like Quasimodo straight back to condo, retrieved my piece of lava, straight back to the beach and with all the force I had - tossed the lava back in while apologizing to Pele. The first piece of "tribal knowledge" I imparted to my kids when we started taking them to Hawaii - never, ever, ever piss off Pele.

I have never encountered a Pukwudgie (I'm not even sure how you pronounce it), a Gnome, or a Leprechaun (except for the cereal), but I do like my brownies soft, warm and fresh from the oven.  Oh and, I hear that little elves bake cookies in a hollow trees and what do you think makes those cookies uncommon.... cuz' their baked in magic ovens and there's no factories.

~page 4 of 365

Day 3 - Big Buddha Bob, Bones of Dead Baby Dolls, and I'm a Naughty Kittie

The names of porn stars-right?  No.  Email addresses.  What???  Yup. 

Do you ever wonder where the hell people come up with their email addresses? I see plenty of email addresses during the week and I shake my dang head on a regular basis.  In my opinion there are two groups of email addresses - first, the logical ones:

• Combo of the first and last name - these are usually work emails that morph into personal email addresses - I have one and it has worked perfectly for years - pauldo;
• Ones that incorporate your hobby - CraftyCoco - I can picture her knitting or bedazzling a vest or picture frame at the kitchen table;
• Locations - MauiJim - Jim from Maui

Second, the fifty shades of cray cray emails and their owners, like:

• Big Buddha Bob who whispers his email as if slightly embarrassed, but everyone knows it so he keeps it;
• Bones of Dead Baby Dolls who immediately provides the back story about her email and you're not sure if you should be afraid for her safety or yours;
• I'm A Naughty Kittie who is damn proud of the email and likes the way it sounds so they repeat it twice just to make sure you heard it - oh, I heard you the first time, sir.....thanks and eewww. 

If you fall in the first group, you are good to go.  No need to re-evaluate your choice - most of us get it and are good with your approach.  

However, if you fall into the second group - do the rest of us a favor and reconsider your choice.  Think about it.....when you want to correspond with your child's teacher..."Oh, please email me the homework @ RockinRedXXX ."  Or "Please send me a job application @ PartyFromMyRooter2MyTooter." And last but not least - "Hold on, I need to send my grandma an e-vite to my housewarming party.  What is your grandma's email?  Uh....@ VenomMILF."

Okay, the last one might be cool when I'm 92, a great grandma, singing karaoke on Thursday nights at the community center, but until then I am content with pauldo.

~page 3 of 365

Day 2 - A Salad, French Fries, and a Tear

Good news - I stayed the course today...salad with light dressing for lunch....YAWN.  It is not that I wanted too, but I didn't want to be that chick...the chick that falls off the diet band wagon on Day 2; maybe Day 3, but not Day 2.  As I was walking to get my "New Year's Resolution, Have a Class Reunion coming up in six months and my ass looks a possum trying to escape from a burlap bag" bowl of greens - I cursed the air - hand raised with a defiant a fist.....some crazy fry-cook had dropped a basket and was frying French Fries.  You know the smell.  Sweet perfume of coconut oil, maybe a day or two old, or possibly old-fashioned lard heated to about 375 degrees with the slight scent of warm salt.  It is a perfect smell - a freshly fried potato with sea salt....intoxicating as a shot of Tuaca (which makes my clothes fall off, but I digress).  So I followed my nose all the way to the bistro counter and lovingly stared at my potato friends - all stacked haphazardly like a game of tater Jenga just waiting for me.  Last year, which was really just two days ago, I would not  have thought twice about just fries for lunch and anyone who knows me - knows I love the potato, I will take a potato chip over a piece of chocolate any day.  And with all the internal strength I could muster, I turned right , headed toward the cold, pre-packaged salads, purchased my bowl of greens with chopped egg and two obligatory cherry tomatoes - I made my way back to my desk. It was on my walk back that it hit me.  A wonderfully, genius idea.....three small words that will revolutionize diets.....French Fry Dressing.

If salad dressing tasted like French fries - I would eat a damn salad everyday, 3 x a day, and give Twiggy a run for her money. Just like that, on a brisk January day,  I had solved the century old problem that diet food had to taste bland and bad. Equally as quick, I started making my mental list of considerations:

• money: someone has to front the money for this crazy yet perfect idea;
• production location: some place in Idaho would be ideal;
• flavor team: someone to design an original and spicy version and for the super dieter's - a light version;
• packaging: tall, slender bottles reminiscent of the long cut fry and for the special occasions - a waffle fry shaped bottle

And in my Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Mark Cuban creative fog, I walked a block back to my desk smiling like a deranged circus clown, tripped up the stairs, juggled my salad, and only dropped my crackers and fork. And for the rest of the day, I smiled when I thought about my brilliant idea.  I am giving anyone and everyone full permission to embrace this idea and run with it.....I guarantee - you will have a customer for life in me!!!

However there is a sad note to this story, although nothing I can actually confirm.  But I do believe as I left the bistro with my salad,  I heard the tater Jenga fall and a small river of sea salt tears fell gently on the floor.  Until after my class reunion, my tater friends, until after my class reunion.

~page 2 of 365

Day 1 - Resolutions, Revelling, and Rhubarb

January 1, 2014 - a day of reflection and resolutions...otherwise known as lying to yourself and others.......right???  Think about it.....most of us reflect on the previous year wearing rose-colored-glasses. So let's start with:

• Things weren't so bad;
• I didn't put on that much weight;
• I didn't pay too much for that item;
• It wasn't my fault;
• I like being alone;
• I don't care that my car is a piece of junk

And the list goes on and on - when in reality - with clear lenses - things were bad, ate too much, it probably was your fault, you hate being alone, your car is a POS (piece of shit), and, you paid too much.  So this year will be different right?  Probably not, but at least I resolve to be more honest about it....those of you in the back can stop laughing now....you have not seen all my honesty yet!!! 

Here is my take on resolutions - you are damned if you make them and damned if you don't.  If you make them, you have to know you are going to break them......you are shaking your head and saying "Oh hell no, not this year." and my response to you, "My friend, you are lying to yourself and you will break them."  At some point, you will fudge a minute here or there in a workout which will lead to a 1/2 hour to a day; an extra pea in your pasta carbonara will lead to a second helping which leads to the whole pot; and an extra .50 cents for a pair of socks will justify an extra couple of bucks for a new pair of pants because you ate that whole damn pot of pasta.  And you do it without thinking, until January 1st of next year when you are sucked into the same vortex again.  The flip side is, if you don't make them, you are afraid that people will think, "oh is your life that perfect that you don't need resolutions?" Or don't ever be caught  making resolutions, keeping them and then preening about how you kept them - because everyone will hate you.

It is true...right there, drilled down for you - the vicious circle of resolutions. 

So what are you going do???  Heck if I know, but here is what I am going to try to do (feel free to keep your comments about my resolutions to yourself....you are not on my payroll; nor have I given you permission to live rent free in my head (yet)):

• Let the resolution(s) be a guideline - not the hard line I have to tow; 
• More revelry in the moment - less importance on the resolution(s);
• Poop more (a body has to be regular) - piss off less people;
• Care more about how I spend my time and less on how others waste theirs;
• Lip injections, a boob job, botox, and a box of wine regularly....not the first three regularly, but possibly the last (just really checking to see if you were still reading)
• Exercising....hhhmmm....my sneakers are collecting dust next to the thread mill and I am convinced they are secretly tapping out Morse code which when translated reads, "hey lard ass, still waiting for you! p.s. - put down the extra peas!!!"  Okay, I might give that one higher priority on the list;
• Pray harder (because my knees have gotten lazy) and give myself permission to like myself just as I am;
• Reach out to family and friends more - bottom line is....you all make me smile for one reason or another;
• Be June Cleaver for a day - clean my house in heels while wearing pearls, and smiling the entire time wondering what ever shall I make for dinner.......YUP.....I'm gonna laugh more; AND
• I am gonna make rhubarb crisp at least two times this summer - I don't care about the cost or calories.

The bottom line is....you have to live (don't get all "YOLO" on me - that is a different blog for a different time), enjoy it...the scars and bumps have a story to tell too!!! 

~page 1 of 365